Gem (voluntarilygone) wrote,

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So I'm almost packed. You'd think with the number of vacations I've taken the last few months I'd have this down to a science. I almost do. I know what I need to take and what I can afford to leave behind. Problem comes when you've got to put it all into a backpack. Packing a backpack is a whole other animal compared to packing a suitcase. Plus, wherever I've been before I knew where to get what I needed. This time, not so much. Still, I think I've managed to get it all in there now. I hope. I still have to pack the hand luggage. I've gotten that pretty much down to an art form. I'm really going.

Today when I was at the job I was in that "this time tomorrow..." mode. Granted, most of this time tomorrow I'll be on a plane but after that...well, the adventure begins. And it’s suddenly dawned on me that I should perhaps be more apprehensive. Here I am about to go to the other side of the world, to a place where I don’t only not know anyone but a place where I’ve never been to before and where English isn’t the predominant language, and where for the first time in my life – a familiar face isn’t waiting for me on the other side.

I’ve spent so long telling people that they don’t need to be worried, I’ve made more promises the last few weeks to that affect than I can ever recall making, that I’ve not really had the chance to consider that they may actually have a point. I’m no Indiana Jones, but I like to think that I have a sensible head on my shoulders and so I can figure my way out through most things. This though, I’ve never done anything like this before. Bugger.

I think part of my sudden apprehension is the fact that so many people are telling me to be careful. Not only telling me, but requiring a promise. My ultimate seal. Those requests that I’ve never been able to break. Not just those who have come to not know how to do without me over the years, but those who I have only recently come to know too. They haven’t fostered my fear, but they do make me want to be more careful. I’m not cavalier with my own safety, but I do find it easier to look after others and not have to worry about myself.

Having people tell me to take care of myself, because they need me to be around, well, it makes me very careful of where I tread. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Those who I don’t know how to do without, they make me feel invulnerable. Without them, I’m just me. I don’t know how strong that person is. I get home sick. I do. I know I go away a lot, but there is always that feeling at the pit of my stomach that something is missing. That same feeling I've only ever gotten when I'm home and a handful of people are missing from my life. Empty.

It's quite probable that I'll get out there and that feeling is going to engulf me. Only, when I'm out there then there's not really much I can do. No family member whose house I can go to and have dinner when I need some company. No (in)sanity to keep me distracted. True to say, I could go out there and know that this is exactly where I'm meant to be, where I've been waiting to be for so long.

I came home and there was a letter waiting for me. At first I thought that it was an invitation to a christening. Another one of my kids, no not officially mine this time around, but when did that ever matter? Instead it was a card from a friend. Unfortunately one I haven't had a chance to catch up with before I left. They'll be first on my list when I get back though. "Live the dream." As corny as it sounds, it's what I'm doing. My words thrown back at me, "The only things in life we regret are the risks we don't take." My ability to remember quotes mistaken for wisdom. How is it I've been able to surround myself with people who know exactly what to say when I need it the most?

In less than 24hrs I'll be on a plane. While I'm gone a President will be chosen. The right one I hope. Three of my friends will have celebrated being here another year. Maybe, just maybe, Cheryl will have lost one of her acts - though I doubt it. And, though I can't be sure. I have a feeling that the most important part of my current evolution will have taken place. I wonder who that person will be that steps off the plane in a couple of weeks.

You wait your whole life for a moment; and all of a's tomorrow.
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